In order to better understand my childhood, I did a great deal of reading and research. I wanted to make sense of the madness I had lived through. Through that process, I realized I was not the only one who had a mother incapable of forming a healthy emotional bond. I cannot recall ever receiving hugs or kisses from my mother. Thankfully, I had Amy for that, as the photo above beautifully shows. Amy always kissed me on the mouth—it was simply her way.

During my research, I came across a mental health condition that helped everything fall into place: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I had heard the term before and associated it primarily with vanity or self-love. The clinical definition is a mental disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of their own importance, an intense need for admiration, and a profound lack of empathy for others.

As I read through the characteristics, it felt as though I was reading a detailed account of my relationship with my mother. Here are some of the common signs:

• When you share your life struggles, does she redirect the conversation back to herself?

• When you express your feelings, does she try to “top” them with her own experiences?

• Limited physical affection—no hugs, no kisses.

• Name-calling and negative comparisons.

• A consistent lack of empathy for your emotions.

• You feel a chronic emotional distance from her.

• You often question whether she truly likes or loves you.

• She only shows care or does things for you when others are watching.

• You feel helpless or powerless in her presence.

• She often seems phony or insincere.

• She attempts to control your choices and decisions.

• You feel valued for what you achieve rather than for who you are.

• She must always have things her way.

• She denies any abuse ever occurred.

• She blames you for being “too difficult.”

• She plays favorites among siblings.

Narcissists are often charming, exciting, and persuasive. These are only some of the signs, but my mother exhibited approximately 95% of them. Discovering this was incredibly therapeutic. It helped me understand that I was not to blame for feeling unloved. As children, we tend to internalize everything—especially when raised to believe we don’t matter. When you are told repeatedly that you are worthless, you eventually begin to believe it.

Raising a child in such a toxic environment is deeply damaging. Everything revolves around the narcissist, and they are never wrong in their own eyes.

Amy wrote in her diary (the excerpt I shared earlier) that she felt she had to be strong and never cry. When children are taught to suppress emotions, remain silent, and avoid rocking the boat, it creates lasting difficulties in adulthood. I struggled with extremely low self-esteem and hated myself as a child—exactly as I had been conditioned to feel.

Recognizing the emotional (as well as physical) abuse done to us is essential to healing. It is also crucial for breaking the cycle so we do not unconsciously pass it on. When narcissism goes unrecognized, the narcissist maintains enormous control over us.

It is very difficult—often impossible—to treat Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is estimated that about 10% of the population exhibits some form of narcissism, and experts warn this number is rising, fueled by our increasingly entitled, selfie-driven culture. Some projections suggest it could reach 25% in the United States.

We must educate our children about narcissism and, more importantly, teach them empathy. Much of the emotional abuse we experience from friends, family, and coworkers stems from this disorder. I now feel better equipped to recognize and manage it in my own life. Sadly, for our own wellbeing, the healthiest response is often to create distance from narcissists when possible.

Has anyone ever encouraged you to ignore or endure abuse? Perhaps to stay in a harmful marriage, remain silent about trauma, or overlook emotional harm—all for the sake of “family” or social appearances. Such advice usually serves the advisor’s own interests rather than yours. It is rarely the action of a truly empathetic, loving person.

I believe empathy is something we should consciously cultivate every day. It is vital for our future and for our children. At its simplest, empathy is the awareness of other people’s feelings and emotions—the ability to understand what others are experiencing as if we were feeling it ourselves. It is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence and the bridge between self and others.

If the world were filled with empathetic people, what a beautiful place it would be. Since it is not, we must educate ourselves so we can better recognize those who might harm us. That recognition is often the key to living a more peaceful, empowered life. For some of us, it is quite literally the key to survival.